March 21 – April 19
Your co-worker is a bloodsucking vampire, I’m serious. This is not a joke. Take a pen or anything pointy and sharp and stake him/her through the heart. Hurry before it’s too late. P.s death is looking for you.
April 20 – May 20
This is a good time for you to clean your work station. Because tomorrow at office you are going to have a stroke and fall directly on the clutter of pointy pens on your desk and die. Plus your spouse is cheating on you with your best friend.
May 21 – June 21
Today is the luckiest day for you. You are going to meet a mysterious and handsome/beautiful stranger who you will fall in love with and marry. Later your nagging and constant mistrust will drive him to the edge and one day snap and go on a murderous killing spree in your house. After violently killing every single person in your bloodline he will continue to defecate on your lifeless body. You will also find 500 RF lying on the ground… lucky you.
June 22 – July 22
Your migraine will get worse. Once you consult a doctor he will confirm to you that you indeed have 57 untreatable tumors in your brain and tell you that you have 3 weeks to live. Ironic that your star sign is cancer dho?
July 23 – August 22
Starting from today for a week you will be sexually attracted to fire. Hmm reminds me of a burnt sausage at a BBQ.
August 23 – September 22
While working at office you’ll get an upset tummy, Maybe it was the canteens suspicious baked beans. Once you fumble in to the bathroom and lock yourself in, your explosive flatulence will destroy half the toilet and its odour will kill you instantly.
September 23 – October 22
Your political insight will give you a good lead in your career. In fact everyone is so impressed with your political mumbo jumbo they decided to make a militia in accordance to your views and over throw the government. But since your followers are stupid spuds they are easily beaten to death by the police and you are thrown in to jail for being their leader.
October 23 November 21
You are pregnant. (applies to men aswell)
November 22 – December 21
It’s been a while that you have been confused. There are so many headaches ruining your constant daily life. So many problems to mind. So many fears to face. Let’s just forget about everything for a moment, and slowly twist the handle and come out of the closet and in to the rainbowlicious disco parade, where all your worries will fade. (*background music* Dancing Queen by Abba)
December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are just too stupid so I won’t bother writing anything here. (lol stupid Capricorn)
January 20 – February 18
You will wake up tomorrow to find that you are bottled by the coca cola company and sold in cases by millions. Now please recite a holy name and send this to 5000 people in your inbox and something beautiful will happen tonight exactly at midnight or you will be molested by a horny rabid goat from the depths of hell.
February 19 – March 20
You’ll die suddenly and will be reincarnated as a fish that can’t swim or breathe under water. Still the office will cut your salary for not coming to work.
*note - the horoscope is 100% real (asluves.. C-koh!!) and everything it says will absolutely come true regardless if your read it or not.