Monday, December 28, 2009

New Swoon - An Abrupt Vampire Love Story

Since vampires were all the rage 2009, I decided to write my own vampire story. (all characters are purely fictional and totally not ripped off from anywhere. For movie deals please contact by commenting)

New Swoon - An Abrupt Vampire Love Story

The moon was so big. Mystical maybe. Not mythical definitely, because the moon is not a myth. So it must be mystical. These were the thoughts Bella had running through her inferior brain as she gazed at the night sky. The stars sparkled like an imaginary vampire as she sat looking at the night sky dreaming to be taken away by a blood hungry psychopath.

Bella sighed. A deep long sigh, her breath illuminated with a hue of green as the vapor dissolved and killed the wild poppy growing on her balcony. Some would say her breath was worse than the smell of carnage and waste leaking from a demons backside. But to Edward it smelled like beautiful roses.

Not that it was peculiar for a vampire to smell anything since they are the undead and relieved of all feelings and emotions. But Edward knew that it was heaven and what he was feeling was love. (Note; Vampires cannot tell the difference between horniness and constipation, let alone a sissy feeling like love)

Edward kept looking at Bella in such fascination. He almost forgot that was stalking her. Thus losing his footing and slipped off the roof and landed face flat on face.

“GASP!” gasped Bella.

“Oww” whimpered Edward.

Edward quickly got up and flared his fangs at her. For he knew she went gaga for vampires, for he knew she went out with a lot of vampires

(Not pictured; Everyone riding the village bicycle)

“SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON” Sheeza swooned as she kept flaying her arms like an air powered doll at a soccer game. Sheeza made her way cross the balcony towards Edward like an octopus. As she got neared her eyes kept batting like a bat. She knew what moves would make a vampire want a girl. For she had convinced Lestat the awesome vampire to sleep with her, and we all knew he was gay for the Brad Pitt.

“SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON” she swooned again.

Edward let out a stifled giggle. For he found it cute and not terrifying that she was still waving all over the place like an octopus. (Note; Edward secretly loves hentai octopus sex) Sheeza knew Edward was now practically set.

“Are you a vampire?”

“I have pointy teeth, no body hair, depressingly pale, hunky looks, and this JUSTGOTOUTOFBED hair style actually took me 45 minutes to get it just right”

“What kind of hair cream do you use?”

“A strong adhesive like Dunlop”

“Oh so you really are a vampire? Do you sparkle like a 13 year old girls myspace page in the sunlight?” Sheeza was very fascinated. She had only been dating hardcore oldschool vampires and not a fat girl’s wet dream.

“Yes” said Edward. This time he winked at Sheeza.

All the right words were said. The body language was hot and perfect, their steamed up eyes connected and signed the unwritten contract binding them with a horrible 4 book story. But alas this was not to be. Little did Edward know that the next morning he would DIE…. (Note; Of Syphilis)

The End

Thursday, July 09, 2009

The Peeing Game

[caption id="attachment_218" align="alignnone" width="212" caption="Pin up above toilet and play!!"]Pin up above toilet and play!![/caption]

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

HorrorScope!! (yes yes i know its been a while)

Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your co-worker is a bloodsucking vampire, I’m serious. This is not a joke. Take a pen or anything pointy and sharp and stake him/her through the heart. Hurry before it’s too late. P.s death is looking for you.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20
This is a good time for you to clean your work station. Because tomorrow at office you are going to have a stroke and fall directly on the clutter of pointy pens on your desk and die. Plus your spouse is cheating on you with your best friend.

Gemini
May 21 – June 21
Today is the luckiest day for you. You are going to meet a mysterious and handsome/beautiful stranger who you will fall in love with and marry. Later your nagging and constant mistrust will drive him to the edge and one day snap and go on a murderous killing spree in your house. After violently killing every single person in your bloodline he will continue to defecate on your lifeless body. You will also find 500 RF lying on the ground… lucky you.

Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Your migraine will get worse. Once you consult a doctor he will confirm to you that you indeed have 57 untreatable tumors in your brain and tell you that you have 3 weeks to live. Ironic that your star sign is cancer dho?

Leo
July 23 – August 22
Starting from today for a week you will be sexually attracted to fire. Hmm reminds me of a burnt sausage at a BBQ.

Virgo
August 23 – September 22
While working at office you’ll get an upset tummy, Maybe it was the canteens suspicious baked beans. Once you fumble in to the bathroom and lock yourself in, your explosive flatulence will destroy half the toilet and its odour will kill you instantly.

Libra
September 23 – October 22
Your political insight will give you a good lead in your career. In fact everyone is so impressed with your political mumbo jumbo they decided to make a militia in accordance to your views and over throw the government. But since your followers are stupid spuds they are easily beaten to death by the police and you are thrown in to jail for being their leader.

Scorpio
October 23 November 21
You are pregnant. (applies to men aswell)

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It’s been a while that you have been confused. There are so many headaches ruining your constant daily life. So many problems to mind. So many fears to face. Let’s just forget about everything for a moment, and slowly twist the handle and come out of the closet and in to the rainbowlicious disco parade, where all your worries will fade. (*background music* Dancing Queen by Abba)

Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Capricorns are just too stupid so I won’t bother writing anything here. (lol stupid Capricorn)

Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will wake up tomorrow to find that you are bottled by the coca cola company and sold in cases by millions. Now please recite a holy name and send this to 5000 people in your inbox and something beautiful will happen tonight exactly at midnight or you will be molested by a horny rabid goat from the depths of hell.

Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You’ll die suddenly and will be reincarnated as a fish that can’t swim or breathe under water. Still the office will cut your salary for not coming to work.

*note - the horoscope is 100% real (asluves.. C-koh!!) and everything it says will absolutely come true regardless if your read it or not.